One Dimensional

It's becoming evident that I can no longer have a conversation about anything remotely important to me or my life without it relating back to Jesus or God in at least some minor way. I'm going to be vulnerable here, so be prepared for some less than polished thoughts and processes. I don't know how to feel about this.

On the one hand, if I am truly living out the Gospel, this absolutely should be true. If I have given up my life to Christ like I claim, everything I do should be motivated by the gospel. If I am daily taking up my cross, I should have to relate everything I do each day to Jesus. Biblically, what I am experiencing in my conversations should be happening.

The problem is that I live in America. Actually, it's bigger than that. The problem is that I am a human being. We are easily distracted. In order that we might not be constantly feeling guilty for living in this perpetual state of distraction from the love and sovereignty of the almighty, we embrace the distraction. Living out the state of distraction and turning to God in specific moments is much more acceptable than truly turning to Him in every moment of every day and every word of every conversation.

I used to feel very awkward about evangelizing or telling Christ's part in my story. Everything that I did that was motivated by Christ also had a humanly motivated answer. Why do I feel compassion for the homeless? "Just because that's how I am." Why would you ever want to work at a crappy school in a mid-city ghetto where you might get shot and you won't even get properly paid? "Well, we need better education. Nothing's going to get better if some people won't do it." Why are you so nice to everybody, all the freaking time? "I don't know, I just think that people need someone to be smiling at them." On and on it goes. It occurs to me that this list of things could appear arrogant and boastful about "all the good works" I do. It's not supposed to be like that. I just can't make the demonstration of how I create human justifications for the things I do without verbalizing which of those things are called into question. (Which is it's own point, actually. How better is our over arching decision to live outside of Christ's calling demonstrated than the fact that me trying to just be as caring and loving as I can is questioned as something weird?) Furthermore, all of these "good works" are simply the way I live, now that I've decided I really do want to be like Christ.

So, it used to be awkward. I used to make up stories about how I made decisions because I didn't want people to think I only did Jesus stuff. I wanted to be accessible. I wanted to be down to earth. I wanted to be real. I wanted to be just a normal kid.

But by acting to achieve those things, I became inauthentic and a liar. Yeah, all those human motivations for things were true. But at the heart of it, I only even know that I should care about and care for other people because God does and asks us to.

And so now, after going to Uganda the first time, and particularly after these last few months, I've completely surrendered who I am into the hands of the Holy Spirit. We say words like that in church all the time. We talk about our surrender and our desire to be emptied out before the cross and recommit to following Christ every time we sing a worship song. But I for one know that as much as I've meant the words on Sunday, frequently by the time that Monday rolls around I care more about the newest episode of Castle than trying to be fully tuned into the spirit in each of my conversations. And I still struggle with not falling back into that. I'm sure I always will. But that's the most interesting part of my battle tonight; I feel like it would be more acceptable for me to do that than to continue pursuing Christ's pre-eminence in my life.

I feel like even many of my Christian friends would rather talk about something else, would rather my art be more than scripture based, would rather my blog keep rambling on about the Giants, would rather talk about each others defects and the things that attract us or deter us from the opposite sex, than be constantly in communion with what Christ asks of us. And do you know the most compelling reason I think that?

Because that's what I used to want.

My friends who seriously ran after Christ used to talk about Jesus in every aspect of their lives. Only read C. S. Lewis and Henri Nouwen. Only watched TV strictly devoid of violence, sex, or swearing. Only listened to Christian artists. And I used to say: "Sure, all of that has it's place, I love Jesus too, but couldn't they be a little more well-balanced? They don't have to be thinking and reading about God ALL the time. It's like they're just letting these Christian authorities dictate what they can and cannot intake and are shutting out all the other really great things in the world just because they aren't strictly Christian."

It sucks to evolve into something you used to scorn. Because you know intimately why the thing that you are becoming is alienating to others--even others who legitimately truly and deeply have the same faith as you. Especially when you know in your heart of hearts that the evolution is into something better and towards something better. Because then you not only know exactly what about you is alienating but you also intimately know that the past you was judgmental and wrong and you cringe thinking about what you thought about people like who you are now. And further, you desperately want to explain the goodness of what you have now and the truth and the why of it to those who are just like the old you, but you know that having that spoken by another human being does no good, because it did you no good.

All I wanted to do tonight was share my conflicted heart in regards to the apparently one-dimensional story my life is turning into but instead ran off on many tangents. I'm still confused and I still feeling guilty about feeling confused. I know in my deepest heart that the relationship I have with Christ is supposed to be my end-all. It should be the only important topic of conversation. But I am still plagued by the desire for the world to like me, so I shudder at the idea of becoming that "one-dimensional Christian girl". It's a false fear, because I know that I am becoming more truly and authentically multi-faceted the deeper I allow the holy spirit to take me... but we live in a broken world and we are a broken people. I am a broken person; my mind will always rebel against the truths my heart knows and my body will always run into the arms of people even as my spirit yearns to simply rest in the arms of my father.